Understanding Your Child’s Brain and Emotions After Separation or Trauma

When our children have experienced separation, loss, or trauma, their brains and bodies often respond in ways that can feel confusing or overwhelming—to them and to us. Trauma-informed parenting helps us respond with compassion instead of frustration.

A child’s brain that has known instability may stay on high alert. The amygdala (the fear center) can fire more easily, making small things feel like big threats. This isn’t defiance or “bad behavior”—it’s a survival response. Understanding this helps us stay calm and connected when emotions run high.

Research from neuroimaging studies shows that children who have lived through separation or trauma often have an overactive amygdala and a harder time engaging the prefrontal cortex—the part of the brain responsible for emotional regulation, decision-making, and impulse control.[1] In simple terms, their “alarm system” is stuck on high, while their “brakes” are still developing. Everyday events like a change in routine, a raised voice, or even a simple “no” can trigger a fight, flight, or freeze response because the brain is wired to expect danger.

We don’t have to fix everything at once. Our steady, predictable presence becomes the safest medicine. In Impact Parenting, Chapter 5 on parenting and trauma reminds us that consistent, calm responses from us help strengthen those developing brain pathways over time. Every time we stay present during big feelings, we are planting seeds of safety and attunement. God causes the growth (1 Corinthians 3:6).

Many moms in recovery are healing their own trauma at the same time. We know what it feels like when emotions flood the body and the thinking brain goes offline. This shared journey can actually draw us closer to our children when we approach it with honesty and patience. We are not trying to be perfect. We are learning to be the calm, safe adult our child needs—even on the days when we feel unsteady ourselves.

Practical ways we can parent with trauma in mind begin with offering safety first. Consistent routines, calm voices, and clear expectations create the predictability a healing brain needs. For example, if your child has a meltdown because dinner is five minutes late, it may not be about the food. It may be their brain interpreting the small change as another loss of control. A calm response like “I know this feels really hard right now. Dinner will be ready in just a few minutes” helps their nervous system settle.

Repair quickly after rupture is another key practice. When we lose our cool—and we will—we circle back, apologize, and reconnect. A simple “I’m sorry I raised my voice. That wasn’t fair to you. Can we try that again?” teaches that relationships can survive hard moments. Research confirms that quick, honest repair after conflict is one of the strongest predictors of long-term relationship health in families affected by trauma.[2]

Give grace for big feelings while holding gentle boundaries. We can say, “I know this feels huge. You’re allowed to feel angry, and we still don’t hit.” This separates the emotion (which is always valid) from the behavior (which may need a limit). Over time, these responses help our children learn that feelings are not dangerous and that we are a safe place to bring them.

As moms in recovery, we may also feel guilt when our child’s big emotions surface. We might think, “If I hadn’t made the choices that led to separation, they wouldn’t be struggling like this.” Those thoughts are understandable, but they can keep us stuck. Instead, we can remind ourselves that we are doing the daily work of showing up differently. Every calm, consistent response is breaking old cycles and planting new seeds of safety.

We are parenting with the future in mind. Today’s steady presence helps our children develop the emotional regulation skills they will need as teenagers and adults. We want them to grow into confident young people who know how to handle hard feelings without being controlled by them.

Practical Tool: The Name-and-Nurture Technique

This tool helps move your child (and you) from reactivity to feeling understood and regulated. Use it when big emotions show up.

How to use it step by step:

1. Name the feeling calmly. Get down on their level if possible and say something like, “It looks like you’re feeling really scared right now,” or “I can see you’re feeling really angry.” Naming the emotion helps the brain shift from panic mode to thinking mode.

2. Offer nurture and safety. Follow immediately with reassurance: “I’m right here with you. You’re safe.” Use a calm, steady voice and gentle touch if your child accepts it. Stay close without crowding them.

3. Wait for the emotion to start calming. Resist the urge to jump to correction or problem-solving. Stay present and quiet until their body shows signs of settling (slower breathing, relaxed shoulders, eye contact). Only then move to redirection or teaching.

Practice this tool during one emotional moment this week. If you feel triggered yourself, take one breath and remind yourself, “This is their brain needing safety, not a personal attack.” The more you practice, the more natural it becomes—for both of you.

Takeaways

• Big reactions often come from a brain trying to stay safe, not from defiance.

• Connection and consistency are more powerful than perfect discipline.

• Repair is one of the most healing things we can offer.

• Your steady presence plants seeds of safety that God will cause to grow.

Self-Reflection

What is one behavior in my child that used to frustrate me? How might I see it differently through a trauma-informed lens this week?

[1] The Impact of Caregiver Trauma on Parenting and Child Brain Development: https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC12293999/

[2] Influence of Parenting on Child Emotion Regulation: https://www.cambridge.org/core/books/emotion-regulation-and-parenting/influence-of-parenting-on-child-emotion-regulation/32D2B6E3B7024D38A53A7A6EA23B062E

How Shifting Your Parenting Style Can Bring Peace to Your Recovering Home

We’ve all had those days when everything feels like one big reaction. The kids push back, our stress spikes, and before we know it, we’re yelling or shutting down. In recovery and reunification, those reactive moments can feel even heavier because we’re carrying the weight of wanting to do better while still healing ourselves.

That’s the difference between Impulse Parenting and Impact Parenting. Impulse Parenting reacts to whatever is happening right now, whatever feels urgent or overwhelming in the moment. Impact Parenting pauses long enough to ask, “What kind of home and relationship am I planting seeds for today?”

We don’t have to get it perfect. We just need to start choosing the future over the fire in front of us.

In homes where impulse rules, we often feel burned out and are constantly putting out fires. Our kids may learn that big emotions or arguments get them what they want, which leaves everyone exhausted. During reunification, that cycle can feel extra intense because we’re trying so hard not to fail. We want everything to go smoothly, and when it doesn’t, the old patterns can sneak back in.

But here’s the good news: we can shift toward Impact Parenting—one mindful choice at a time. Impact Parenting means we parent with the future in mind. We set gentle but clear boundaries early. We respond instead of react. We consider how today’s interaction will shape tomorrow’s trust.

1 Corinthians 3:6 reminds us, “I planted the seed, Apollos watered it, but God has been making it grow.” Our job isn’t to force instant change in our children or ourselves. Our job is to plant good seeds, water them consistently, and trust God with the growth.

Practical Tool: The Pause-and-Ask Strategy

Before responding in a heated moment, we can use this simple three-step pause:

1. Take one slow breath.

2. Ask yourself, “What do I want my child to learn from this interaction?”

3. Respond with the future in mind instead of reacting to the emotion of the moment.

Try practicing this tool three times this week—even during small frustrations. It helps us move from impulse to impact and lowers the stress in our home.

Practical steps we can take this week:

• Create one simple family rhythm (like a consistent bedtime routine or screen-free dinner) that brings predictability and safety.

• When we slip back into old reactive patterns, we own it quickly, apologize, and try again. Modeling repair is powerful parenting.

As moms walking through recovery and reunification, we are already doing the brave work of breaking generational cycles. We accept responsibility for our actions so we can become healthier and stop unhealthy patterns from repeating. That is Impact Parenting in action.

We are planting seeds of safety, consistency, and love. Some days, the garden will look messy, but every intentional choice waters those seeds. God is faithful to cause the growth.

You are not behind. You are right on time for the work He is doing in your family. Keep showing up with intention, even when it’s hard. Your children are watching, and they are learning that change is possible—because they see it in you.

Takeaways

• Impulse reacts to the moment. Impact parents with the future in mind.

• Small, consistent choices create big changes over time.

• We plant and water; God grows.

Self-Reflection

Where do I tend to react on impulse most often? What is one small shift I can practice this week that considers the long-term impact on my relationship with my child?

You Are the One Who Changes the Story for Your Children

We’ve all had that moment when something comes out of our mouth, and we hear our own parents’ voice. Sometimes it stops us in our tracks. In recovery, those moments can feel especially heavy because we’re working so hard to become different.

The beautiful truth is this: we don’t have to pass on the same patterns we received. We can be the generation that breaks the cycle.

Generational cycles are simply repeated patterns—ways of coping, relating, or handling stress that get handed down without much thought. Many of us grew up in homes where emotions were dismissed, boundaries were unclear, or chaos felt normal. When we enter recovery and reunification, we start seeing those patterns more clearly, and we get the sacred opportunity to do something new.

Breaking a cycle starts with awareness and reflection. We notice when we’re repeating something that doesn’t serve our family anymore. Then we get curious instead of critical: “Why do I do this? Is this how I want my children to learn to handle hard things?”

We accept responsibility for our actions, not because we’re beating ourselves up, but because we love our kids enough to become healthier. That responsibility is actually freedom—it means we’re no longer powerless to the past.

Research shows that when parents intentionally change unhealthy patterns, children experience better emotional regulation, stronger self-confidence, and healthier relationships later in life. We are literally reshaping their future.

Practical Tool: The Cycle-Breaker Journal Prompt

Each evening this week, take two minutes to write:

1. One moment today, where I noticed an old pattern.

2. How I responded (or wish I had responded).

3. One small, different choice I can try next time.

This simple journaling habit builds awareness and turns reflection into action—helping us break cycles one day at a time.

Here are a few more tools we can use right now:

• Name the cycle out loud (even if it’s just in our journal). Bringing it into the light reduces its power.

• Replace one old reaction with a new response. For example, instead of yelling when we feel overwhelmed, we can say, “I need a moment to calm down, then we’ll talk.”

• Lean on support—whether it’s a sponsor, counselor, or trusted friend who cheers for our growth.

Romans 12:2 encourages us, “Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.” Renewing our minds includes rewriting how we parent.

As we do this work, we remember our ultimate goal: to parent ourselves out of a job. We want our children to grow into confident, emotionally healthy adults who know how to handle life without needing us to rescue them. Every time we choose a healthier response, we’re planting seeds of resilience and self-awareness.

We won’t get it right every day, and that’s okay. Progress, not perfection, is what breaks cycles. Our kids don’t need a perfect mom. They need a mom who keeps choosing growth.

You are already changing the story. Every sober day, every repaired moment, every intentional boundary is rewriting the narrative for your family. Keep going, sweet friend. The legacy you’re building is beautiful.

Takeaways

• Awareness + responsibility = the beginning of real change.

• We break cycles by choosing new patterns one interaction at a time.

• Our children will benefit from the work we do today for generations.

Self-Reflection

What is one generational pattern I’ve noticed in my family? How can I respond differently the next time it shows up?

Small Steps That Help Your Child Feel Safe Again

We all dream of that beautiful reunion moment—the hug that makes everything feel whole again. But in the Reunification book, we’re reminded that reunification is rarely one big dramatic scene. It is built in the quiet, everyday choices we make once the case plan is signed. The daily work is where trust is actually rebuilt, one small, repeatable action at a time.

Research shows that children who experience consistent, predictable contact with their parents after separation show lower levels of depression and externalizing behaviors.[1] The small things—showing up on time, keeping a simple promise, repairing a rupture quickly—create the predictability a healing brain needs. In Impact Parenting, we learn that we are planting seeds. We water them with steady, daily choices, and God causes the growth (1 Corinthians 3:6).

The daily work of reunification is not glamorous, but it is powerful. Here are four practical ways we can do this work right now.

First, create consistent check-ins. Even if your time together is limited, pick one short, predictable window each day or visit—maybe five to ten minutes of undivided attention. Ask open questions like “What was the best part of your day?” and really listen without jumping in to fix or correct. This simple act tells your child, “I see you. I’m here.”

Second, repair quickly after rupture. We will miss a call, raise our voice, or break a small promise—especially when we are tired or stressed in recovery. The key is to circle back the same day. A short, sincere repair like “I’m sorry I raised my voice earlier. That wasn’t fair to you. Can we try that again?” teaches that relationships can survive hard moments. Studies on trust repair after family disruption show that quick, honest repair is one of the strongest predictors of long-term relationship health.[2]

Third, keep predictable routines. Even in limited visitation or parallel parenting, the same goodbye phrase, the same bedtime story, or the same “I love you” text at the same time creates safety. Children who have lived through separation crave predictability because it tells their nervous system that the world is becoming stable again.

Fourth, celebrate tiny wins together. Notice and name the small positive moments out loud: “I saw how you waited patiently for your turn—that meant a lot to me.” This reinforces the behavior we want and helps our child feel seen and valued.

Practical Tool: The Daily Promise-and-Follow-Through Tracker

Keep a simple note on your phone or in a small journal. Each day, write down one small, specific promise you make to your child (even something tiny like “I’ll call you at 7:00 pm” or “We’ll read one extra book tonight”). Check it off when you follow through. Seeing those checkmarks builds your own confidence and shows your child you are becoming reliable. Start with just one promise per day this week.

These small steps may feel insignificant on hard days, but they are planting seeds of safety and trust. In the Reunification book we read that being separated from our children is one of the most difficult things we face, yet we can begin to build a better relationship for today and tomorrow by focusing on consistency rather than perfection.

As we do this daily work, we remember our ultimate goal from Impact Parenting: to parent ourselves out of a job. We want our children to grow into confident, emotionally healthy adults who know they can count on the people who love them. Every time we choose a small, consistent action over chaos or avoidance, we are breaking generational cycles and creating a new path.

We won’t get it right every single day, and that’s okay. Progress, not perfection, is what rebuilds trust. Your child does not need a perfect mom—they need a mom who keeps showing up with steady love.

Takeaways

• Trust is rebuilt through thousands of tiny, reliable moments, not one big apology.

• Consistency in small things creates the safety a healing child needs.

• Quick repair after mistakes teaches that relationships can survive hard moments.

• We are parenting with the future in mind—every daily choice plants seeds for a stronger relationship later.

Self-Reflection

What is one small daily promise I can keep this week that will help my child feel safer with me? Where have I been inconsistent lately, and what is one tiny adjustment I can make?

[1] Driving for Success in Family Reunification—Professionals' Views: https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC9778863/

[2] Supporting Timely and Successful Reunifications (Child Welfare Information Gateway): https://cwig-prod-prod-drupal-s3fs-us-east-1.s3.amazonaws.com/public/documents/supporting_reunification_1.pdf

The Power of the Pause

As parents, we can find ourselves in some really special situations.

From those that melt our hearts to those that shock our very cores, the things we experience and witness run the gamut. This is why the pause is such a powerful parenting tool. As with most humans alive, our emotions can get the best of us from time to time, and we find ourselves responding from those emotions. This isn’t so bad when we are feeling joy, gladness, contentment, and other generally positive emotions. But when we are feeling anger, frustration, confusion, fear, resentment, hurt, and so many others, our responses can often be on the negative side.

Enter, the pause.

When we pause before we respond, it gives us that spit second to breathe and give that initial response the opportunity to roll on away if needed. And, if you’re like me, it usually needs to go. For example, when I walk into a kid’s bedroom the day after they have ‘cleaned’ it and it looks like the Avengers battled it out in there, my first response can tend to be a little harsh. Why? Because I am truly shocked that one individual can create such chaos in less than 24 hours. And probably a little ticked off.

So I pause, and let that first response roll away and opt for something a little more positive. As you encounter all of those up and down situations that are just a part of parenting, learning to pause before you respond can be the difference between a reaction (which is emotionally driven) and a response (which is outcome driven).

When we react to the situations around us, we often place ourselves and our children at the mercy of our emotions. When we blow up or use sarcasm or make impulsive accusations, all based on our emotional state, then we are teaching our children to navigate our emotions. We are placing the responsibility of our emotions on them. Reactions are impulsive and often seek to relieve ourselves of some sort of emotional burden.

When we master the pause, we can move toward more responsive parenting. Responses are more measured and take into consideration the well being of those around us and long term outcomes. Responses are thoughtful and often seek to teach our kids.

Of course the pause itself is not the answer. It is what you do with the pause that matters.

Pause. Pray. Pivot.

Within the pause, we need to ask for help. Take a few seconds in the pause to pray. Ask for help. Some people take a minute to pray and reflect. Some people might take a few seconds to simply say, Lord, I need help. Whichever you do, just know that in those moments, you don’t have to do it alone. We have a helper, He is here with us, and we can call on him. And once you do, allow him to work in you and pivot. To pivot means, basically to go the opposite direction of where you were headed. For some this means, let that first comment roll away, while others might need to just walk away, and some might ask a curious question instead of making an assumption. However the Holy Spirit nudges you, move in that direction.

Keep in mind that it’s okay to take small steps. Start with the pause. Get used to taking a few seconds before you respond to your kids. Then add in prayer and move to the actual pivot when you are ready. Creating new habits will not happen overnight. It takes time to get used to doing things a new way. So give yourself grace as you start shifting your parenting habits. Start small and commit to getting back on course when you find that you have drifted from your goal.

Remember, more than perfection, your kids need authenticity.

Connecting through Family Time

Family time is a great way to connect intentionally with your kids and build strong relationships within your family. It can take on many shapes and forms within different families and even within different seasons. As your family grows and your kids mature, family time should shift and change to meet the needs of your family. Like Sabbath, family time is for your good. So, try to focus more on the principle of connection and be consistent in making time to connect and less on making sure your family follows a rigid set of rules. 

Family time is a time of cultivating. As with gardening, you won’t always see the immediate results of your efforts. Remember that you are parenting for the future and in doing so, you will do a lot of planting and cultivating long before the harvest. Keep this in mind during those frustrating times when your family time just doesn’t go well. Remember that it won’t always be filled with joy and super-togetherness. Sometimes it will be a little forced, and not everyone will be overjoyed to be a part of it - think teenagers. But that’s okay. You can make it happen anyway. 

Here are some tips for making family time happen for your family. 

1.  Start early. The earlier you start, the more natural it will be for your kids. It is easier to do when they are younger because they are more naturally inclined to want to spend time with you. Remember though, that whenever you start, it may take some getting used to. A conversation can help with paving the way for starting the habit of intentional family time. 

2. Start small. Starting small will help you build the foundation. Rather than starting with an elaborately planned out, hour long family time, you can start with a 5-10 minute time of chatting about everyone’s day or week. If you can build it into something you are already doing, then that is great too. Dinner time or car rides to school are great times to be intentional. You are all already together; you just have to shift the conversation. However, if those times don't work for you, then that’s okay too. The goal is to find what works with your family’s natural rhythm and make it happen. 

3. Be consistent. Be sure that whatever you decide to do, it is something that you can maintain, because consistency is important.  Take some time to think about what will fit your schedule and lifestyle. Then consider how often you can keep it up. Once a month may seem insignificant, but if that’s what you feel like you can do, then it is much better than starting a daily or weekly family time that fades away after a few weeks. Start with what you can do consistently. You can always take it up a notch later.

If you do realize that you started too big, that’s okay too. Just be sure to talk to your kids about what you are trying to do. Let them know that you went a little big and that you are adjusting to make it work for the family. Even consider taking suggestions from the kids about what might work for your family. They often have great ideas and when we give them a voice, it also gives them buy-in.  Buy-in is when they take ownership of something and are likely to take on a more personal responsibility for making it successful. 

4. Keep it light. This can be a difficult one for rule-followers and those that need order, like me. Keeping it light, however, is important to the success of family time. Remember the purpose is to connect and build relationships within your family. So keep this in mind when you are considering what family time will look like. If you want your family time to be more structured, that is okay too. Just be careful that it does not become a power struggle about behavior, attention, etc. Also, be sure to make the activities age appropriate. If you are trying something new, then allow for some adjustments. Your kids will need time to adjust to the new routine. Also, try to avoid making it like a classroom. They probably spend enough time in a classroom and adding more can make it more of something they have to do instead of get to do. 

5. Yes, you can force it. Family time is important, but not everyone will always be excited about it. You may have some pushback from your kids. It’s okay to say, yes we are doing this because it’s important. You can make the best of it or not; that is your choice. You, the parent, must to set the tone though. Just as your kids have the choice to make the best of it, so do you and they will follow your lead. So even when they push back, remember that it is normal and just try to keep the mood light. Oftentimes they will get on board, especially if they know that you are not going to give up and drop it when they resist. Just keep making it happen and keep a positive attitude. I know this is much easier said than done, but try your best. The outcome is well worth the effort you put into pouring into your family and building strong relationships.

Some ideas for Family Time activities

Do a Bible Study or devotional together. Read and discuss a chapter of the Bible. Have a family meeting and discuss different family matters and topics. Have some time to sit and chat together and see what conversation pops up. Grab some journals, coloring pages, and pens/markers, put on some music and have some time to journal or color or just sit and listen. Have a family movie night. Make a list of activities, allowing everyone to add suggestions and check them off one by one. Take a hike. Play games. Have a family story time where everyone adds to a story or talks about a favorite memory.

Family time can really be anything that promotes togetherness and connection. The goal is to spend intentional time together. You are working toward building strong relationships within your family and how you do it really depends on your family. The value will come later, when you are faced with teenagers who are seeking their independence. It is during this time that you will begin to harvest the seeds of togetherness that you have been planting.

I’d love to hear how your family connects. Leave a comment below!

Three Reasons to Talk About Sex

We all remember that cring-ey moment when our moms or dads sat us down and pulled out a book.

There was a super awkward talk. Then it was over. We survived it. And never spoken about again. Thankfully! Well, those days are done! Parents today have to be proactive when it comes to talking about sex with our kids. We can no longer have the one-and-done, hide-behind-the-book chats with our kids and feel confident that we have educated them. Because we haven't. But the world is.

We have to start talking to our kids in an open and honest way. We have to keep the conversation going and be willing to go there with them.

Here's why.

YOUR JOB IS TO PREPARE AND EQUIP THEM. Your kids have access to anything they want to read about or see. You cannot keep them from it. If you have content filters, they can most likely get around them. If they can't, they probably have friends who can and will happily share it with them. They will encounter sex in some form or another. Rather than keeping them sheltered, we should be preparing them for what they will encounter.

Our job is to prepare our kids. We can do this by educating them. When they are equipped with the truth about sex, then they will be better able to recognize lies and misconceptions. They will be more prepared to respond to sexual advances, jokes, messages, and the myriad of other potential encounters.

CULTURE TODAY IS MARKETING SEX TO YOUR KIDS. Today, our kids are faced with sexual content from all directions. A culture that markets sex to younger and younger audiences. A 2005 article in Teen Vogue Magazine addresses sexual content from how to kiss to anal sex. Teen TV shows such as Outer Banks and Rosedale are showing sexual content more and more.

Media and culture see your teens as money makers, and they know that sex sells. They don't care about the negative impact it will have on your teen. They don't care if your teen is old enough or mature enough to handle what they're putting out there. They are willing to go there. That's why you have to be willing to go there too.

YOU CAN CONTROL THE NARRATIVE. When you start early and continue to have open and honest conversations with your kids, you are controlling the narrative. Whatever your values and ideas about sex are, you have an opportunity to pass them on to your kids. When you create a safe space for them to ask questions and show that you have answer and you're willing to share, they will come to you.

Your kids see you as the main source for correct information. But if you are not willing to share that info, they will go somewhere else to find it. If you want them to buy into your value system surrounding sex, then you have to communicate it to them. Don't rely on church or school to teach your kids about sex, because they are starting way too late.



Talk with your kids. It doesn't have to be complicated. It just needs to happen. Start early. Keep it going. Be authentic. It's not how you do it that matters so much as that you do it.

If you need some extra guidance or just encouragement, check out the guide, Not Your Mama's Sex Talk, here.

Stages of Parenting

Parenting is much more than keeping kids alive. I was unaware of this when I first began, but thankfully I quickly learned that there is so much more to it. One of the most helpful things to know has been the stages of parenting. There are several versions of this idea. Ellen Galinsky created The Six Stages of Parenthood, while Focus on the Family gives The Five Stages of Parenting. I have created my stages based loosely on Focus on the Family's idea.
Whoever you agree with, it is important to understand that there is a process of maturing that happens, and understanding that process is important to parenting. Knowing the stages of maturity that children go through, and how to parent in each stage will give you more confidence as a parent.
Below, I will highlight the stages and give a brief summary of each one. Though each stage includes a time frame, keep in mind that the age ranges are approximate. Kids develop differently, so they will go through the stages at slightly different ages.

Nurturer - Birth to one year

During this time a baby needs to know that she is safe. Your job is to create a safe space for your child and meet all her needs. There is much research now showing that going to a baby when he or she cries, even during sleep times, develops a strong bond between the child and caregiver. The more confident a baby is that her needs will be met, the more confident she becomes as a youth.

Boundaries - Ages one to five

This is the time when children start to test boundaries. It is okay and even natural for them to do this. During this time, you will need to set clear and consistent boundaries and establish yourself as their authority. Children don’t necessarily need to understand why you have rules, they just need to learn to trust and to obey you. This doesn't mean that you never give them a reason. It means that you don't get caught up in an argument or debate about your boundaries. Consistency is key during this time. If you set a boundary, then it needs to be a boundary every time. This stage is physically and mentally challenging, but it is also foundational. Putting in the time and effort during this stage lays the foundation for success in the future stages.

Training the Heart -Ages six to twelve

In this stage of parenting, you will begin to teach the heart of the child. This is the time that you give your children the “why” behind the “what.” You will begin explaining why you have certain rules, why it is important to act a certain way, how things work in society (ie, the real world). It is during this stage that the child begins to take ownership of obedience. In order to do this, they need to understand the why. Conversations are important during this time. Look for teachable moments, and use those to help your child understand the importance of whatever you are teaching him. It is also highly important that you listen to your child. Hear and respect his opinions.

Coaching - Ages thirteen to eighteen

This is the stage of parenting where you should be able to begin stepping back and allowing the child to make some decisions. You take the role of coach: you give advice but allow the child to make the ultimate decision. You also allow the child to suffer the consequences of bad decisions. In doing so, you are allowing the child to learn valuable lessons that will translate into real world abilities. As your child matures, the teachable moments are deeper and more critical. To help with this, keep the correcting to a minimum. If your child correlates your voice to constant correction, then he will learn to tune it out. You want your child to hear your voice as you give advice.

Mentoring - Ages eighteen to job or marriage

Once your kids are 18 or older; they should be living their lives. Your children will need your help and advice often as they grow and mature. The goal of this stage is to be the mentor they need. This means refrain from telling them what they should do and from judging the decisions they make. They will likely still make some mistakes and when they do, be supportive but disengaged. They are fully responsible for their lives capable of solving their problems. Your job here is to give advice only when asked and without judging. This will lay the groundwork for the next stage.

Friendship - Job or marriage and beyond

During this stage, your children are established as adults and coming into their own. They are confident and well-rounded and will start looking to you less for advice (though they will never completely stop seeking your wisdom) and more for friendship. Enjoy this time of companionship with them and allow them to be your equal. Though in many ways they will always be your children, in other ways they have come into their own and deserve respect for that. You have worked hard to raise them intentionally and confidently. Enjoy this time of friendship!

Four Basics of Discipline

Discipline is a teaching tool, but many times the teaching part gets left out. As parents, we tend to go straight from the telling to the punishment. And many times, punishment is dealt from frustration or anger. So parents end up with a child who has learned to manipulate the land mine of punishment rather than a disciplined child.
These four basics of discipline will help you create some peace in your home and set foundations that you can continue to build on throughout your parenting journey.

Discipline is a teaching tool, but many times the teaching part gets left out. As parents, we tend to go straight from the telling to the punishment. And many times, punishment is dealt from frustration or anger. So parents end up with a child who has learned to manipulate the land mine of punishment rather than a disciplined child.
These four basics of discipline will help you create some peace in your home and set foundations that you can continue to build on throughout your parenting journey.

The first one, teaching, is an important aspect of discipline. We have to teach our children everything: our expectations, how to deal with disappointment, how to talk to people, how to argue, how to clean their rooms, the list goes on. The same goes for our expectations. Before we give consequences for something, we must be sure to teach the correct behavior. Often, when we take the time to teach the correct behavior, there is never a need for a consequence. Most kids want to please and do the right thing, they just haven't been taught how.
So if there is something your child is doing wrong, start with teaching him the correct behavior. If you want your child to follow directions, then tell him that. And keep reminding him, over and over. Saying something once does not make it the norm. Teaching is reminding and redirecting. Do a lot of it before you get to the consequence part.

The second one, consistency, is so, so important! It is so hard when we are trying to cook, finish an email, or have a conversation and our kiddo does something he is not supposed to do. It is much easier to just ignore him and go back to what we were doing. But consistency is part of discipline. A big part! When we make a rule, then that is the rule every time. If we ignore the rule when we are busy or tired, then we are teaching our children to read our mood. We are teaching them that they can behave a certain way when we are showing certain signs.
It is no easy feat to be consistent with our boundaries and discipline, but it is truly important to our learning children that we stick with it. Not only do we need to be consistent with our boundaries, we need to be consistent day in and day out. It takes time for kids to learn boundaries. They will test them, sometimes over and over again. We have to be ready to dig in and keep going. Teaching them that we mean what we say not only creates strong boundaries, but it sets the foundation for building trust.

Third is continuity. Both parents should work to be on the same page. Kids are smart. They know when you are not on the same page and will play you against each other. At two, kids will already begin with things like, "Daddy said I could" when mom has told her no. It is not a very complicated plan, but at two she is already learning to use mom and dad against each other.
One rule that helps with this is that "mommy says what daddy says" and vice versa. Also, try to avoid correcting each other or disagreeing on decisions in front of them. Yes, disagree in front of them and show them how it is done respectfully, but not when it comes to decisions about them or discipline. Discussing things ahead of time helps alleviate this, but if you walk in and your spouse is telling them that they will not go to the park if they talk back and you don't agree, save it for later and back him up. Discuss it and get on the same page in private.

The fourth, is time. This is tough, but so important. Kids crave your attention and will get it any way they can. It is much better to give it to them freely, than to be forced into it by their bad behavior, and they will act out to get your attention. This can be relly difficult when so many things are competing for your time.
One tool that can be helpful is compartmentalizing. Establish work time, you time, and kid time. Work time is for anything not fun...work, housework, bills, etc. You time is anything you enjoy doing to relax and recharge; reading, praying, napping, bible study, etc. Kid time is quality time with the kids. Anything that they can do with you, where they feel included, seen and heard is good. Establishing clear boundaries and a schedule, will help you avoid the the daily battle of balancing your workload and spending time with your kids.

These things are hard and take time, but we are parenting for the future, not the right now. Our kids may hang on to every word we say now, but as they mature, our voices will be competing with many others. If we take the time to prepare soil for them by parenting with intention, then we can foster a trusting and open relationship that will make a difference when they are older.

Respect vs. Respectful Behavior

We all want our kids to respect us as parents. But how do we get the respect we deserve? How do we get our kids to treat us with respect? Why do we need them to respect us?

These are some tough questions and like most parents, you probably have more like them. Let’s look at respect and try to get some perspective on what it is and what it isn’t.

First, respect is a feeling. We cannot demand or force others to feel a certain way about us. This includes our kids. As much as we may want them to respect us, we simply cannot make them.

So what do we do? We earn their respect.

Does that mean we have to earn the right to be treated respectfully? Absolutely not! Respect and respectful behavior are two different things. We may not be able to demand our kids’ respect, but we can expect them to treat us respectfully. And we should! In the home, while our kids are growing and learning, we represent authority. We should be training our kids to treat us with the same respect we would expect them to treat their teachers, police officers, store clerks, and really anyone they encounter.

So how do we do this? Well, if we have the opportunity to begin when they are young, we can model respectful behavior. When they give us something, we can say thank you. We can ask something of them, we can say please. We can model speaking respectfully to them, and they will pick up on those behaviors.

What is considered respectful can differ vastly from home to home. As parents, we have to decide what respectful behaviors we will expect from our children, and we have to teach those behaviors. Teaching requires modeling, explaining, reminding, and sometimes a consequence. If we expect our child to speak respectfully to us without yelling, cursing, name-calling, etc, then we have to set boundaries around that. And we must consistently stick to the boundaries.

For example, I don't allow my kids to speak to me in a rude tone of voice. So after I have taught them this, if they do it, I remind them. They do not get to speak rudely to me and then have me respond. If they continue speaking rudely to me, I have them take a minute to calm down in their room, allowing them to come out when they feel like they can talk to me in a respectful way. Then we can try again. Speaking rudely is a behavior. I can absolutely expect not to be treated rudely by my kids.

But what about respect? Again, I cannot expect or require my kids to respect me. 

So how do we earn our kids respect?

There are many ways we can do that, but here are a few that will get you on the right path. 

Respect their thoughts and opinions. As long as they're communicating in a respectful way, allow them to share their thoughts and opinions with you. And listen. Don’t brush them off. 

Be consistent and follow through. If you say you are going to do something, then do it. Don’t make empty promises. Don’t make promises to appease them in the moment only to back out later. 

Treat those around you with respect. Treat your spouse, your kids, other adults, basically everyone with respect. When they see you respecting others, not only will their respect for you will increase, they will likely imitate you. 

Live with integrity. Your kids are watching how you live. Your actions speak to your character. Make sure your actions show integrity. 

Pour into your family. Put in some time and effort with your family. When kids see that you genuinely want to spend time with them and are interested in them, it means something. 

Be a leader. Lead with humility. Let your decisions be made with your family in mind. Be fair and consistent. Don’t be afraid to make the tough decisions, but do so with gentleness and grace. 

Respect is an interesting thing. It takes time to earn, but can be lost in one single action. 

It may not seem important to earn your kids’ respect when they are only knee high, but we are not parenting for the “right now.” We are parenting for the future. We want to have our kids' respect when they are 16 and leaving the house on their own. But 16 is too late to start earning their respect. We have to start early and be consistent. 

Respectful behavior: Teach it. Expect it. 

Respect: Earn it. Start early.